Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
