I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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