every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
