Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
