if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
