You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
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Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
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I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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