I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
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