There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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