Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
