I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
