i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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