I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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