Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
