matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
