You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Randomize
