my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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