I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
