I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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