its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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