Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
