that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
