You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
