It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
