So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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