the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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