I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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