some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
