I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize
