you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
