when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
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whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
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Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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