Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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