Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
