I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
