glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
