I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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