He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
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I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
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And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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