She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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