Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
