Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
