you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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