How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
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