The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
