I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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