Define "chronic" masturbator.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
