Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I AM VODKA MAN
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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