Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
