I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
