I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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