Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
