hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
