you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
i think im in europe. pls send help
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
