she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
