he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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