Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
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