I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize