Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
She bit a glass in half.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
