booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
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