hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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