I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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